How I Stopped Dating Bad Guys and Found my Husband

I love data. Most things in my life, when I can’t figure out what to do, I turn to data. Dating was no exception.

Background – The Bad Guys I Dated

I am a loyalist, loving, caring, giving, intense, rational, a truth seeker, and so much more. I have an INTJ type Myers Briggs personality and thus I am introverted. I love art and making things but have a very technical engineering mind. I love learning. I don’t drink often or a lot and I am not a girly girl but can clean up well. I am the over giver, the yes person that always steps up. I also don’t like failure. These last few are good things in work and business, but the same traits that became my demise in my relationships.

When I was an early teen I dated a guy and my girlfriends told me one thing about him which caused me to break up with him. What my friends told me about him was untrue. I learned at that time not to listen to anyone but myself for decisions in my life. A life lesson that is generally good but later lead me to be in the drivers seat in a series of bad relationships where everyone was telling me these guys were bad and to leave. But, I just wouldn’t listen.

Later in high school I dated my first official boyfriend. I was with him for four years, half of high school and half of college. He treated me well, came from a great family, was a hard worker, a good gift giver, and was funny. But, he was a compulsive liar. It took me time to see it. As our relationship went on I got more frustrated. He would say he is doing one thing and he would literally be doing something completely different. As an example, he would say “I am going out to dinner for a burger” and he would really be going out for dessert and getting ice cream. Nothing was malicious or vindictive in his lies, they were just untrue. That wasn’t something I was willing to tolerate and couldn’t be part of my future. Relationships are built on trust and I couldn’t trust anything he said. There were other issues as well, but that one was at the core.

Later I started dating another guy. He was a few years older than me. I was working with photographers often and he saw my pictures and reached out which is how we met. He was nice at first and slowly after months he started to change. Every time he did something mean I thought it was me and I tried harder to be better. He was very charming and manipulative. This coincided with me being hit by a car on campus at school and not being able to walk without crutches for a few months. Perhaps I thought I was worthless and tolerated more because of the accident. They say you have to allow people to treat you certain ways. At the end, he was seeing girls behind my back, constantly lying, he was physically violent to me in front of people to the point where I was bleeding from my head. He did mean things to me in front of his friends and no one stood up to him for me which was so belittling (after which I vowed to always say something if I see something). He never got or did anything for me for my birthday (I don’t care about gifts but you can’t forget me entirely, especially on my birthday), he rarely paid for anything for himself or for us (I had a running tab of things he owed me for), he was mean to his mother, lived with his mom still, and so much more. I learned he caught his dad cheating on his mom and from that point on I made excuses for why he was the way he was. I wrote it all off and said I was the problem and I could help him, always trying harder. Even his mother said to me, “You don’t deserve this, I don’t know what you see in him, you can do so much better.” It was a death spiral of my soul. Nothing I did was ever good enough. It was so toxic. After 4 years it finally ended and that chapter was done. I stopped talking to him cold turkey. He randomly reaches out and I have never responded. Giver and taker pairings do not end well for the givers. 

The right man will move mountains for the right woman no matter where he is in his life, his job, his family situation, etc.. And, it’s true, women can’t change men. The writing was on the wall but I couldn’t believe I wouldn’t be good enough for him, that he wouldn’t change for me if I was ‘perfect.’ I was wrong and what a waste because, unfortunately, I didn’t really learn. 

I was hopeful the next would be better and eventually fell into a relationship with a seemingly standup guy around my same age. He was financially stable and had his own place, loved dogs, liked fixing things, seemed close with his siblings, and had great friends. We eventually moved in together. Then my dads health started to decline. He was there when I lost my dad. This whole time I saw two sides — a Mr. Jekyll and a Mr. Hyde. He was a good guy when he was sober but after he drank he turned into this reckless person that had no bounds and often no memory. It was bad. He got wasted and threw a dumbbell off a rooftop in Chicago, it fell through a lawyers office ceiling in a building across the street, part of it was caught on camera. He pulled my dress down during the grand opening party of his friends business that we were at. He came home drunk and while I was fake sleeping (because I was scared of him when he was drunk) he stood over me with a butcher knife. He woke up from a drunk sleep and spilled his own glass of wine on the cough and proceeded to chase me around the house threatening to kill me over it (I had to run in the snow without shoes across the rooftop in downtown Chicago, down the fire escape and to the nearby parking garage where the security guard called the police for me). He had me move in then would ask me to move out on a whim, which I always did. He would then beg me to come back and promise he would change. Which he wouldn’t. He blamed me for everything – I am skinny, he was a little over weight. I supported him and went on a diet with him, he blamed me for him putting weight on. I was sticking to the diet and one day I noticed a lunch receipt in his pocket. He was eating out regularly at work and putting more weight on yet blaming me while I stuck to the strict diet like an idiot! I made excuses for him because I learned his aunt sexually abused him as a child. But, why should him sharing that allow me to become a punching bag? After four years, I eventually decided the best thing to do was to leave him once and for all. I moved out, sold him whatever I had left and let him keep our posh spot downtown. I never talked to him again. He sent gifts for me to my moms since he didn’t know where I was, tried calling relentlessly, etc. I never responded. When I am done, I am done.

Then, I left the state and never came back.

I had a fresh start in San Francisco. Moving is a good way to force change and growth, and that was exactly what I needed. I was getting older and just “wasted” 12 years between three guys that were all horrible choices. I considered myself smart, how could I have done that? How could I have let it get that bad and not walk away sooner? How did I let them make me think I was the problem? What was wrong with me. It was clearly a me thing. I needed to change. In hindsight, it wasn’t wasted time, I learned a lot, I am alive to tell the tale, and I wouldn’t be who I am today without those experiences.

But, I vowed never to let it happen again.

It’s now the 2010’s. Dating apps were starting to pop up. Luckily my introverted self didn’t need to wait for guys to meet me in the wild. I was one swipe or connection away from potential suitors. Everyone was doing it and everyone was on there. There weren’t many app choices at the time — mainly Tinder, Bumble, and Hinge.

But, I wanted to go about dating differently. I wasn’t steering myself in the right direction. I was the problem by letting this happen to myself multiple times. If I could make excuses for those guys, I could probably make excuses for guys that were even worse. I had to hold myself accountable and responsible for what I wanted. It wasn’t just going to happen by chance.

The Plan

So, I decided to turn to data to help me avoid bad boys and exclusively seek out nice guys to give myself a psychological makeover.

Instead of always trying to mold myself to be better for them when they would hit me with negativity, I would ask myself, “Is this person what I am looking for?” Being your authentic self is underrated. You should not only live life authentically but be the best version of yourself with your partner, not the opposite. If you find yourself either becoming a shell of yourself or not being your authentic self for whatever reason, it’s probably not a good fit.

I didn’t want to make one of those wish lists for my future husband but I also didn’t want to end up in degrading relationships fearful for my life again. 

To get what you want, you first need to decisively know what you want so you know where to aim. 

I also recognized that a successful long term fit for me meant aligning on key topics that is hard to actively focus on when you start dating. It is suggested people have talks with their partner and cover topics when in a serious relationship and ready to get married. My thought is, why not try to have those talks naturally sooner? They really should be ongoing conversations, regardless. Some of those include:

• • What type of lifestyle do I have and want vs what do they have and want?

• • How do I want money to be handled in my future vs how to they see, spend, save and financially plan?

• • Are children a necessity, a nice to have, not necessary, or a hell-no for me? What about him? If kids are in the future, what type of parent do they want to be?

• • Where does religion fall into their future? Mine? Their families? What are the expectations, views, beliefs, and involvement?

• • What does the day to day life look like including chores? Cleaning the house? Grocery shopping? Who does what? Amount of and kind of fun? What about novelty? Friends?

• • What are their thoughts on divorce? What are mine? What steps do we each see ourselves taking if necessary? Or not?

• • How important is career? What are career goals? What support is needed by the other to achieve that? What if moving is necessary? What if someone is out of a job, how would that be managed?

• • What are the needs for physical intimacy for each? What does each think should be done to keep the spark alive? And what if things get stale?

• • How does conflict resolution look? What are thoughts on couples therapy? How do you check in with each other? How do you communicate and navigate conflict? What are each of your thoughts on discussing those conflicts with family and friends?

I pivoted and made a list of positive qualities that can be answered by true or false / yes or no. The quality wasn’t necessarily written, often it was highlighted by an example. I.e. I wouldn’t list, “he must be nice.” How would you definitively answer that? Most people are nice, at least sometimes. No one is always mean. Also, I don’t want someone that is always nice and would lie to me to be nice. And, I could see myself saying “he was nice” even if he, by all other standards, was a truly horrible person negating it with the one time he acted kindly. Also, some people are nice to certain people and not to others – so where does that fall in such a question? 

Instead, I would list things like – “opens the door for me”, “has a good relationship with his mom and sisters.” Those are actions that dictate behavior that I considered nice, give off green-flag vibes, and can be answered by yes or no. Everything I wrote down was to help me identify someone that I deserved to be with. It wasn’t necessarily who I wanted my husband to be. Moreso, if the men I was dating didn’t embody many of those qualities, I should reconsider and probably run away. It’s a piece of paper to review and reflect on when I was making choices to see people.

I tried to add in things that would embody those important aligning questions, too. Conflict resolution was a core issue with both of the previous guys I dated, to me good conflict resolution stems from good communication. That was high on my list.

When I was done, the list was 133 qualities long. I wrote down everything I could think of and made sure I really cared about each item, I took careful consideration in how it was worded, and made sure it was concise. I tried to stay away from physical looks that I think would indicate what I’m attracted to. I figured those would work themselves out and aren’t really part of the purpose. The list is a way to weed out bad guys. Not meeting a look quality wouldn’t determine if the guy is full of red flags. And, if I do find someone that I am in love with and they break the mold of what I thought I physically liked, what’s the harm in that? Looks fade anyway and I’m most certainly not being murdered or abused because they aren’t 6’3”, blue eyes, and in finance. Often there is a difference between what you like and what you need. Or what you like and what you think you like. I was open to everyone this go around so I tried to keep those qualities off the list the best I could.

Then I reworked them in order of importance and weighted them. I decided some of the most important things should be deal breakers and have a much higher weight. I gave those items a value starting at 100 points. Everything else started at 50 points and went down by increments of 10 points depending on how important I thought it was compared to other items.

I called this “Date Him and Rate Him,” saved it on my Google Drive. Completing this felt like I was one step closer to leaving the cycle of guys that weren’t good for it.

You can check it out here.

I rated the last three guys that I dated for 4 years. Unsurprisingly, they didn’t score high. The second guys mom was right, I don’t know what I saw in him when I finally thought about it.

Dating Again

This time around I decided I didn’t care who I went on dates with. The only thing that would qualify someone in is they had to seem nice before we went out and interesting enough so I can have a conversation. I figured, eventually, one of those nice guys will be someone I truly like and fall in love with.

I also wanted to craft the perfect dating profile.

Statistics at the time said there are a handful of photo types you should have on your profile to give off the ‘right vibe’ and have success in people swiping on you (on Tinder). To me that meant most likely coming off pretty but not slutty, smart but not cold, fun but not wild. ‘They’ said to include: a photo showing your shoulders, a photo with friends, you doing something active, etc. I added those in. If you look good in red, lipstick can go along way with subconscious signaling to potential suitors. 

For the bio – I made sure the wording was carefully crafted to ward off people just looking for a good time, spoke to who I was and what I was looking for without being harsh, dry, or cringe. We always talked before we met up. I had to know who they were and Google stalked them to make sure everything checked out. I never gave my information out without at least a few things that matched up. I felt like I was being smart about it and the right guy would either not care or find it flattering.

My Tinder profile circa 2015 (my husband kept a screenshot):

The other purpose of only dating nice guys I was to reprogram myself to know what I deserved (or better, know and recognize what I didn’t deserve). For the first time in a long time I knew what it meant to be treated kindly. I remember going out on a few dates and reflecting how weird it was to have people ask me questions, do nice things for me, care about what I wanted, pay and put in effort. It was then that I realized how broken I was from the back to back bad boys. I didn’t think people could be that nice. I literally did not think people like that were real anymore.

Since first impressions mattered, I wanted to reduce variables between all my dates. So I had a “first date outfit”. I selected a cheetah print dress above the knee with cap sleeves and a v-neck. I always wore lipstick. It also helped me from wasting time on thinking about what to wear, so it was a win-win. I could go on a date on Tuesday then one on Thursday wearing the dress to each and no one being the wiser. It made it easy.

And then I dated and dated and dated. 

The two big rules: never kiss on the first date and never get intimate until you’re exclusive and been together at least three months. The guys that were serious wouldn’t care, the ones that weren’t would mind and self-select out.

I met so many wonderful guys. They weren’t right for me but most were amazing humans. I felt like I dated the whole city. From doctors to lawyers to CEOs to VCs to inventors to ice climbers to karate champions and everyone in between. Because it was San Francisco during the tech boom, aside from these specific guys being so nice they also had a lot going for them and many were setting the path for the world. It was an interesting time and place to be single.

I let conversations flow, I never asked questions related to my checklist in a very straight forward type of way. The dance of dating always took its own course and no questions were ever forced.

Rating the Guys I was Dating

After each date I would rate the guys. I only filled out what I knew about them at that point. It helped me steer conversations when we touched on certain topics to see what I could gather more key intel on to determine if they were a good fit or not during subsequent dates. Knowing what they aren’t is more valuable sometimes than knowing what they are. I treated those as red flags I had to think about and ponder over.

At the end of the day, I did still need to be attracted to them after a few dates and that wasn’t always the case. Most guys I only went on one date with, for a few it went on for a few weeks, and for a handful I we dated longer than a month.

As I spent more time with them and learned more about them I would update the list, continuously checking in to make sure there weren’t any traits I knew they for sure didn’t have — those red flags. I actively reflected on how I felt when I was with them as to make sure to never lose myself again. The act of looking at it help me stay focused on what I wanted and to look at who I was dating to see if those two were aligned or not. But, just because you get points, doesn’t mean points can’t be taken away. I would sometimes think someone was one thing only later to find out they weren’t and the points would get erased. People can only wear masks for so long.

Becoming a More Desirable Partner

Although you’re looking for a partner, the other goal is to learn about yourself and grow in the process of dating. With each person you date (and rate), it is just as import to reflect on how you can authentically be a better version of yourself to better attract your future partner. Different people also bring out different things in the people they are dating. Becoming aware of those triggers and traits that bring things out in you is extremely valuable. Having at least one personal takeaway to grow from each person is an opportunity you should embrace. Reflect and ask yourself, how can you do better next time? This is particularly true for growing your communication and conflict resolution skills which, in my opinion, is the backbone of all successful relationships.

Ask yourself, would the person that scores perfectly in your list pick you to be with? What can you do to be a better partner to be ready for that ideal person? 

If you have several failed relationships (they’re always a failed relationship until they’re not because then you’re done dating), you are usually at the core of the issues one way or another. Maybe you need to do some soul searching about who would actually make you happy or maybe you need to be more vulnerable and open or maybe you need to work on communication or maybe you need to care more about meeting people halfway or maybe you need to be more giving or maybe you need to be more selective or maybe you need to take better care of yourself. In any case, by bettering yourself, the byproduct will be finding someone that enriches your life even more opposed to the opposite.

Finding My Husband

After about two year of dating and rating, I met my now husband.

We matched on Tinder. I probably would not have swiped on him last go around because his profile said he was a year younger than me but he seemed nice and interesting so swipe right I did. We chatted, his kindness persisted, he was stalked online, and we made plans to meet. He picked me up to take me to a concert and was waiting leaned up against the passenger side door of the car ready to open it as I came out. He didn’t even try to kiss me until the fifth date, for the four dates between I thought he might be gay and just wanted to be friends. Low and behold, as it turns out, his profile has the wrong age listed for him, he was actually older than me. He has five sisters he was very close with. The list goes on.

We hit it off. We were soon exclusive. Within a few months we were traveling the world. A year later we bought a boat in the Bay for fun and moved in. Five years after we met we got engaged and six months after we were engaged we were married. Here’s a photo from the night we had our first kiss where we met Morgan Page.

It wasn’t always easy. We had ups and downs but always leaned into each other (and still do). We have great communication and both seek out truth. The things I listed as my dealbreakers helped me find a partner that would pull through when times got tough whereas in the past I was the one that needed shoulder issues. We all know you can only bend so far then you break. I still look back at the list. He is the highest scorer I dated and someone that makes my life so rich in love, experience, kindness, and growth. The bad relationships I had made me appreciate him so much more. And, statistically, the say you need three ‘failed’ serious relationships then you’ll find the one. Coincidence? I think not, I think it was the list.

Summary of Methodology

• • Make a list of everything you want in someone based on specific examples that showcase that quality can be answered yes or no. You can see an example here that you can copy and edit so it reflects the things that make sense for you.

• • Include points that align with the important type of questions that you ask when you’re ready to get married so you can actively reflect on it as you date people

• • List them in order of importance

• • Identify your deal breakers (it should be a short list) and start the highest with 100 points then one point less for each each after that

• • Make all the other items on your list 50, 40, 30, 20, 10 points based on their importance to you

• • Rate the people you’ve already dated (they shouldn’t score high, otherwise you’d be together and if they do, then you need to do some soul searching)

• • Avoid looks, that will take care of itself

• • Pick out a first date outfit

• • Make a great dating profile that showcases who you are by putting your best foot forward and portrays the version of yourself your future partner would find valuable

• • Get good profile photos

• • Date nice guys, if they aren’t nice up front, they’re definitely not worth dating (it will only get worse)

• • Make rules for yourself and boundaries

• • Rate guys as you date them. Circle back to the list frequently

This isn’t a fool proof plan. Relationships are complex, complicated, multivariable, and hard. I just hope it helps someone from being with a person that is mentally and physically toxic. This is just another tool to help people avoid situations like that. Reflection goes a long way and this list forces you to do that.