How I Cured my Fear of Heights with Beta Blockers

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Fear of Heights

I had a fear of sheer cliffs including bridges and edges of buildings that date back to the start of my memories. It has limited my life and caused me to avoid relatively normal activities. I can remember getting my drivers license and panicking as I had to drive over my first bridge.

Over time I’ve built certain comfort moves to get me through those life and death type situations where cowering isn’t an option. For driving on bridges, I move to the inner lanes so I can’t see over the edges. But on hikes, for example, I drop to the ground when they get scary, close my eyes, and either have to crawl my way back down or have someone carry me. I get weak in the knees, usually start crying, have to look away, can’t feel my body, and my mind races. It’s debilitating.

I have no desire to do super scary things high off the ground like skydiving or bungee jumping, both which my husband loves. But, I would like to be able to do normal things that an average person thinks is safe.

We travel a lot and usually at least once a trip there is something I shy away from doing or have to back out of due to fear. Most recently in Rio de Janeiro I couldn’t walk around the top of Christ the Redeemer. It has full railing and wide platforms. Little children are walking around. Yet, I couldn’t do it.

A Reason for Change

But, I really wanted to do the Rim2Rim Grand Canyon hike with my husband and his sister, Esther. We loosely committed to doing it a few weeks beforehand then I dug into the details. Soon after, I started to worry because even if I could get through the physically difficult 21+ mile hike that has over 5,700′ of elevation gain, It has several bridges, one of which is 70 feet above water with see through edges, and there are a few miles on the North Kabab side that are sheer with drops of several hundred feet.

It’s hard to be an adult and have your mind deny you the ability to do something you want to do and people of all ages are completing on the regular. This isn’t a categorically dangerous. The heat is the danger but the hike itself is relatively safe. I should be able to do this! I wanted to do this really badly!

Disclaimer

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Kindt Cures Phobias

A few years ago I came across a video about a lady in the Netherlands that was curing phobias. I joked with Rodney that I should do it. Ironically, after some internet sleuthing this time around that video popped back up along with a few others about her clinic that I never saw. Here are the ones that I am referring to:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pM3G6kITdYk&list=PLZVnnAt5_5laX3cUumcGLaq0WYQX-hBmj
https://youtu.be/Ib36Yw1tQlw?feature=shared
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aes3Wpvw-Gc
https://www.cbc.ca/natureofthings/features/a-single-pill-may-be-the-key-to-overcoming-many-paralyzing-fears
https://projects.research-and-innovation.ec.europa.eu/en/horizon-magazine/triggering-original-fear-memories-could-treat-phobias-and-ptsd

This the clinic in the Netherlands that is lead by Prof. Dr. Merel Kindt.
https://kindtclinics.com/en/

She has done years of research with Propranolol where she studied/studies its use after engaging in something that induces panic and fear. A few papers:
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/25980916/
https://www.jove.com/t/52151/disrupting-reconsolidation-fear-memory-humans-noradrenergic

Since she opened her clinic a few years ago, she’s cured thousands of people with roughly 40 different types of phobias. None have relapsed (which is often not the case with exposure therapy for phobias). And it works roughly 85% of the time. Plus, if it works, it only takes one treatment where you take one pill and a follow up appointment the next day around the 24 hour mark (they like to wait until the 24hour mark to check if you’re still fearful so the drug is fully washed out of your system) to see if it worked. It doesn’t just kind of work, it either worked or it didn’t so you’ll know.

This seems like a miracle and everything society loves – quick fix, drug that’s been on the market for a long time, immediate results, little work, and no relapse. Ironically, this is probably everything the pharmaceutical company does not like since cures aren’t a good revenue stream.

Either way, I wasn’t going to the Netherlands before the hike. It was roughly two weeks away at this point. From what I could tell at the time, no one in the US was offering this service either. So down the rabbit hole I went.

In one of the videos Dr. Merel Kindt doses herself and removes her (seemingly mild compared to the other patients) emotional panic type response to snakes. She also talks about how she dosed herself when she went into fear and panic when her daughter ended up in the hospital and had to have a surgery. She wanted to come back the next day and be level headed with her daughter and be the strong mother her daughter needed in the hospital. It allowed her to do that by wiping away the emotions from the experience she just had.

If she dosed herself, why couldn’t I dose myself?

I watched the videos, she explains exactly what she does with patients (and herself) and I could see it play out time after time. I read her research papers, it matches what the videos showed.

Then, I came across this reddit post: www.reddit.com/r/emetophobia/comments/of5f9z/comment/jd8865f/
of a lady that watched the videos, read the papers, and dosed herself to get rid of her fear of driving (as a passenger). She confirmed it can be done and confirmed the steps she took. Everything matched up.

Propranolol

Side note, I am also fearful of drugs and meds.

It turns out, though, that Propranolol has been around since 1967. It’s been commonly prescribed for high blood pressure. Drugs that have been on the market for a long time typically have more time to determine if there are any long term effects. This drug literally slows your heart down a bit and has roughly a 3 hour half life so it isn’t long lived. The slower heart rate yields lower blood pressure. The people that should never take this are those with already low blood pressure or slow heart rates.

More recently Propranolol aka beta blockers started being prescribed for “job performance enhancement” in anxiety situations like public speaking or presenting. You can get them online after filling out a short questionnaire lickety split. They are silicon valley’s newest performance cheat code drug. But, people are advised to take the drug BEFORE their scary thing, typically public speaking. Not after. People taking Beta Blockers for that or other things like migraines can take upwards of 80mg per dose. The method by Dr. Kindt uses a 40mg dose.

There was hope and a seemingly low risk. My goal was to try to cure it myself and use what she calls the Memrec method.

The Method

Based on the videos, articles, research papers, and posts I read, the key is to really get worked up, lean into being scared, and do not do any of the comfort tricks you’ve accumulated along the way to cope with the phobia and panic. When you are as scared as you can manage (ideally as quickly as you can get to the extreme panic), then step away and immediately take 40mg of Propranolol. Make sure the rest of your day is low key. Go to bed later that night – all the magic happens when you sleep since that is when your brain processes all your experiences for the day. And the next day after the 24 hour mark try something similar that would normally scare you to see if it worked.

My Experience

Living in Austin, I found two great locations that are right next to each other that I should be afraid of. One is the 360 Bridge which is walkable but very high up over water. There is a short hike you can access from the same parking area with a sheer cliff overlook of the bridge – it is a common tourist photo opp. I’ve never gone to either. But cliffs, heights, bridges, and edges should all be covered.

I explained this all to my husband, consulted him all week on it, made him read the papers and watch the videos. He lovingly agreed to be my chaperone and help however I needed. He was there for me.

I picked a day and when it came time we set off to the bridge. We parked the car nearby where I sat while my husband scoped out how scary he thinks they’ll be for me. Will they be good enough to hopefully work?

He came back and said yes. I was nervous and we walked to the bridge first. I was at the part where the trees met the bridge and just there I wasn’t sure it was going to be scary enough. But, then as I started to walk closer away from the safety of the tree visuals all the panic set in. I started to cry, crouch, and cower.

I knew I had to lean into the fear so I eventually took my husbands arm (I should have done it by myself but I just couldn’t) and looked over the edge of the bridge rail with tears streaming down my face trying to inch forward down the walkway. I tried to walk as far as I could which wasn’t that far. After a few minutes I couldn’t take anymore and turned back with his help guiding me as I hobbled along all the while trying to look down at the water and speaking my mantra of, “I need to lean in.” We then ventured to the sheer cliff hike. I really wanted it to work so I was warmly welcoming more panic at least as best as I could. There I had to traverse the edge of a decent size cliff for flat Austin to even get to the top. Once at the top I couldn’t get very far at all to even look over the edge. I was hoping it was enough. I was really stressed out. And, since you have to take the drugs pretty quickly after your exposure for it to work (example, taking it two hours later generally doesn’t work), we were done either way. Some people in the video only had to be exposed for what seemed like 60 seconds. I opted for probably 20 minutes or more of an experience all-in. The lady from Reddit was about the same length as mine so I figured it shouldn’t be too long either.

We went to the car and then I was afraid to take the meds but eventually swallowed them. Laughably, I made my husband drive me to an ER where I sat in front for the next hour. The whole time my mind was playing tricks on me. We got out of the car eventually and walked to nearby shops where I was convinced I was going to faint, but didn’t. I kept putting on his Apple watch to make sure my heart rate wasn’t low. Of course it wasn’t, I was still stressed out, it was clocking 90s and sometimes 100s which is anything but low. I yawned a bunch as is common with the meds and eventually when I was convinced I wasn’t going to die, we left for home where I chilled on the back porch for a few hours until the half life wore off.

I slept that night but I had nightmares I didn’t do it right and it wasn’t enough. I also had nightmares my mind was going to be erased.

The next day I was quiet and reserved. The whole time I was wondering if things were different or not. I felt the same, but was I? How could it change my brain just like that?

The 24 hour mark rolled around and I grabbed my husband and said we need to test it out. We went back to where we were the day before. In the video, the lady that was fearful of heights was able to do the same thing she panicked about the day prior without as much as a care. Would I be like her?

We got out and walked to the bridge. I wasn’t crying, I could look, I could walk. I went all the way down and all the way back. I didn’t necessairily like it but I could do it. I wanted to hold my husbands arm but that’s okay. But was I able to do it because I did it the day before? Or because of the treatment? We went to the cliff, I didn’t want to walk to the edge but I was clear minded the whole time. My brain wasn’t racing, I wasn’t cowering or crying. I got much farther than I did the day prior. I didn’t need to look down. I watched a man pose leaning against a tree on the edge. Normally that would make me panic just watching him and I was fine. It felt strange to experience it that way this time. So, was I fixed?

I figured it was enough to at least move forward with the hike because I had reason to believe that it might have actually worked and I should really find out. The hike has a big bridge a few miles in at the bottom of the South Kabab trail, assuming I got through everything else before then which could include windy paths and cliff views. At the top of the trail I was nervous so we left his sister and her friend and took off. Rodney and I started off in the dark and booked it hoping to make it as far as I could before I could see where we were in hopes of not being put into a panic but the sun quickly came up. I could see the vastness. I could see the depth of the canyon. And I was okay. I didn’t want to walk and look at the same time, but I could stop and look. We continued on toward the bridge. After a few miles down, we got to the tunnel that lead to the bridge. I was okay. I was completely okay. The brain and body response was gone. I know the edge is to be respected but I walked all by myself across it without any panic. I was so proud and felt empowered.

We continued on. The rest of the bridges were smaller and easy peasy, no big deal. But I was still a little anxious about the sheer cliff stretch everyone says is scary. We were getting more tired as time went on. We were about 8 hours and 15 or more miles in when I was pretty sure we were there. I didn’t panic but I didn’t want to walk alone. I was really tired mentally and physically just from the hike. It was a lot for the day. My husband helped me walk through the really skinny and sheer cliff trails. I didn’t like it but I was clear minded. And I know just a few weeks prior nothing remotely close to that would have even been possible. It was so weird to be able to think about something that was previously panic inducing with a clear mind. The sheer cliff is a danger, it should be feared and respected. I knew that. But it was an appropriate level of fear similar to what a normal person is aware of. The irrational fear is gone as was the emotion.

I finished the hike in 10 hours, less than that of actual moving time. I was so proud.

The Memrec method, after a successful treatment, wants you to continue to build up these positive moments where you are doing things that you think would have scared you before. So, with that, I will regularly look over edges or lean in when there is something safe but would previously have been scary. As an example, on our recent trip to Ecuador, I road a basket car over a gorge and didn’t flinch. I would not have done that at all before, not even close. I was afraid I would be afraid but I wasn’t. I am still not accustom to being level headed on heights and sheer cliffs, it is this weird feeling that I hope is a normal feeling in the future as I deprogram the narrative in my head about heights, cliffs, and edges.

Why and How Does it Work?

My understanding is that memories aren’t hardcoded, they can be edited. To make them editable you need to experience something your brain thinks is similar and new as well as important. By taking part in a very high anxiety or panic type of similar activity AND not doing the comfort things you normally do, it is nearly a guarantee to put them in edit mode. Once they are in edit mode, you can take Propranolol and that will change the way its saved. Specifically “It blocks adrenoceptors in the brain. These are docking sites for neuro-adrenaline, a chemical messenger involved in memory-making. By blocking them, the drug interferes with stabilization of the memory and dulls the strength of the memory and therefore the fear response underpinned by that memory.”

How to Ward Off Panic & New Phobias or PTSD

I was in my sister’s husband’s helicopter when he pulled an auto rotate. He deliberately cut the engine but I didn’t know it was on purpose in the moment. He quickly turned the engine back on but by then I already panicked internally, although my consciousness seemed okay at the time. Later on that flight I started blacking out despite flying relatively low to the ground so it wasn’t from a lack of oxygen in the cabin. He landed so I could gather myself. I just wanted to be driven home in a car. This was the start of a new issue I was going to have with flying. After that, I had intense reactions when flying and didn’t want to go on planes anymore out of fear for feeling that way. My palms would start sweating, my mouth would start watering, I couldn’t think straight. It was horrible.

But, I had to travel for work. I was a tradeshow manager where all I did was travel to shows. I couldn’t not travel, everything was too far to go from place to place on time by car. But, what was I to do?

I made a plan where I would download games on my phone, only book fly short flights, and play the game as hard as I could from when we took off to when we landed. Luckily, most of the shows were in Las Vegas or LA when I was living in San Francisco so they were 1-2 hours tops. I was able to get through it but it was mentally tough. I thought something was wrong me like pressure induced heart issues or a stroke. Nope, it was just a new found fear triggered by a helicopter scare. On each flight I was undergoing a panic attack.

After taking a few flights a month for a year and gaming my way through it, the fear faded away.

Later I learned scientific studies show that your brain can’t do two things at the same time. People with panic are advised to use this to their advantage. By playing mind intense games, I was preventing my brain from being able to be in a panic state since it was occupied with the game.

There is also research that has been done on what you do immediately after something scary or emotional happens impacts if you have panic or emotion from it later. Tetris is one of the games they recommend and have studied in those situations. They say to play it right after something intense and negative happens to make the memory of it and any future panic lessen or gone entirely.